let's see if i can pull this off again.. *does a knuckle symphony*
more than half a year has passed since my last entry, and to be honest i never thought i'd pay a visit to this part of the Net. but looking back, at all the years i've spent here, i guess i could always find a part of myself here; no matter how good i may stand in life, memories of falls always get me to analyze my perspective.
just a few days ago i finished a 3-month course on computer hardware servicing at some backwater manpower training center. that didn't mean i hardly learned anything though, more like how i see computers changed significantly. for almost a decade i've been with my P4, and only now have i learned how to decently take care of it, as a worthy partner in crime.
to date its been reformatted 4 times.. of course, with each occurrence its like my aibo underwent an induced amnesia, and it takes months for us to get along. along the way i lost quite some memories too, some inconsequential, most integral. still i had to pull through, because, only data do not make a PC. if it be so willed, i could have managed not to lose a kilobyte of data over those years, even if i upgraded my aibo along the way.
if ever a so-called 'psychic' were to perform a check on my aibo, i would venture a guess that a sizable amount of my 'consciousness' has been imprinted on it already. there is that feeling.. it'd probably also host a 'projection' of me if ever i died all of a sudden.
meh, enough of this left field running..
to most everyone else my venturing off alone would most likely seen as running away, and to some extent i can agree with that. though, it hasn't solely been for fleeing. if at the start that was how it looked, along the way i felt that the real purpose of my journey was to be closer to my self more. before i left, i made sure i wouldn't forget my reason behind it. i want to learn how to love myself.. of course it never came easy, as the consequences took the form of giving up the privilege of studying at up, and being a rather major burden as a bum..
most of the time i spent thinking about why i did the things i liked to do back then - DoTA, anime at youtube, eating.. the immediate answer was simple, i wanted to ease, if not forget the pain that's been draining my resolve. yet even if i realized that - probably even as i did those things back then - i knew deep down that this wouldn't get me to where i wanted to be. even as i started on that downward slope to leaving university, i had already determined as much that i was not one to do things without weighty rationalization on my part. it wasn't before long that i saw what was pushing me to commit academic self-destruction - i wanted out.. i always felt like i HAD to study on dealing with the human mind, yet walking that path requires one to be able to show love for others, in all its forms. that was more or less expected of me, the me who hadn't really understood how it is to love the self. maybe that was why not one woman ever made the 'mistake' of daring to come closer..
i then vowed to myself - probably the only one left that my conscience could allow forgiveness to - that i will learn to love myself, and after i succeed in that aim, i will try and pick up what's left of the 'good life' i left behind; if it be so, i would try and gain re-entry into the university i once felt didn't deserve an ingrate like me. in the process i sought stories, tales that i somehow knew would be of consequence to my quest. and to this my OTHER interest never failed to deliver: Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu, Air, Kanon, Clannad, and many others. in their embrace i met many characters, and everything i learned so far were hard at work trying to understand them, what they did and why they did it. i felt that if my interests could stay semi-permanent as they did, then i could also manage to re-orient myself. gradually i came to peace with what i did, who i hurt, disappointed and left behind, what i gave up and forsook, what i abused and took for granted.. i believe i still have quite a ways to go before deserving forgiveness, but that never means i wouldn't bother trying.
actually, i haven't talked to them yet.. the two people, who, in my interacting with them, inadvertedly led me to circumstances that got the best of me. i like to think that they're living the 'good' life now, but of course i never bothered with verifying that. not really sure what i'm waiting for though.. a sign, or probably just gathering enough wits and guts. of course, there's also the possibility of not being able to pull that off, but i guess i'd think about that when it happens, its how i think i should act from now on..
*i'll try and think of how to redesign this corner of mine, since this is practically a new phase..*
i'm here, i'm trying my best to live my life, and until the day when i found one i can live my life for, i'll try and make the best out my journey..
